Yeah, mate, I’m walking down the street; I’m on the phone

People annoy the shit out of me, particularly pedestrians—but yesterday, I found a new kind of wanker.

I was walking down the street to meet some friends for lunch. I was running a bit late due to a meeting that had run overtime. One of those guys that spend too much time in the gym stepped out of a doorway in front of me. He wore too-tight clothing and waddled down the street, massive steroid-boosted thighs crushing tiny balls, I expect. He had a phone pressed against his ear like he was trying to affix a poster to a power pole using only spit.

However, on account of being a wanker, he held his arm perpendicular to his head like some kind of fucked-up walking right-angle triangle.

‘Yeah, mate, yeah,’ he grunted into the phone. ‘I’m walking down the street now.’

And he was, being a dickhead, elbow jutting out, meandering all over the footpath. It wasn’t just the people behind him who were being impeded, people coming towards him were being forced into the gutter.

When I’m king, this fucker won’t be getting a pedestrian licence.